At 7:56 this morning authorities were contacted about a white male lying unconscious on the living room floor half clad in cycling attire; an apparent accident after attempting a late night training session. Multiple open containers were located around the subject. Circumstances are still unknown as to how the male ultimately ended up on the floor, warmed by a towel and sofa cushion, but it appears the bike was unharmed and no one else was involved. It is unknown if the bicycle was ever actually attached to the stand or if any training actually occurred.
The individual was identified only as "Bear Fornicator" by friends at the scene, his identity is still being held by authorities until his next of kin can be contacted.